never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
