between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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