i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
