dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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