why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
