I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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