I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
