And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
