this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Vodka?
Forever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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