i would punch a child for taco bell
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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