If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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