if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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