I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
