So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
