I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
