Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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