I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
