Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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