It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
NoShamevember. You game?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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