jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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