I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
