My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
