I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
