I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
