just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
