i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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