God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
