I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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