did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Can i not drive my cunt home
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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