i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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