You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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