To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
