you traded sex for a burrito?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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