he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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