Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
