FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
