I want to make a zoo with you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
