the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
