im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
