Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
