Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
