my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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