I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
