Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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