i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
