my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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