Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
