she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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