I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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