The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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