I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
whose parrot is this?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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