I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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