If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
