how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
