after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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