hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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