i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
