hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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