so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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