five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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