"it" just moved
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
