I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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