Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
