Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
